The R-Word

Seriously, the last thing I want to do is offend someone.  And I know I might, just by what I’m about to write. But I’m trying to explain myself, sort of. Even though I have the right to free speech, I honest to God don’t want you to think that I’m purposely going against your wishes to offend you. But I really do feel like I need to explain myself on why I use the words “retard” and “retarded” even though A LOT of people find it offensive.

Ok, I honestly get why you don’t like it. Kinda. I guess. Wait, hear me out.

I did not grow up in the decades of medical professionals going around using the term “mental retardation.” And honestly, I grew up in a home where my parents weren’t ignorant. They never looked at someone with any sort of condition or handicap and said, “Look at that retard.” THAT NEVER HAPPENED. Not to me, at least. So again, I’m not associating that word with anything. I never really heard it. Probably in movies? Anyway…also, I grew up in Boston. BOSTON, you hear? Not some lame-ass suburb of Boston. We use the word “wicked” in ways most people don’t. And you know what word goes with “wicked”, like peanut butter and jelly?  Yeah, you guessed it:

Wicked retarded!

So I’ve thought so hard of examples, on how I would use the word “retarded” and how it should totally not offend anyone. The same way that “moron” or “idiot” don’t offend people. I mean, I guess they could.. But not really. They are commonplace words now. Interchangeable with “dummy” or “Kardashian.”

Example #1 of how someone can be retarded and/or a retard:

  • Place: Crowded airport on September 11, 2011
  • Friend: “I can’t believe I got all those bombs past security, in my underwear and shoes.”
  • Me: “Dude. What are you, fucking retarded?
  • Friend: “What? What did I say?”
  • Me: “Seriously? Why are you being a retard right now? It’s fucking 9-11 dude. Like the ten-year anniversary and you are joking about bombs in your underwear? Outloud, where people can hear you? That’s wicked retarded, dude. Jesus! Not cool!”

Example #2 of how someone can be retarded and/or a retard:

  • Friend: “Hey, is August the best time to go to Walt Disney World?”
  • Me: “Yeah….if you’re a retard it is”
  • Friend: “What do you mean?”
  • Me: “I mean, if you like waiting in line for Space Mountain for two hours. Yes, TWO hours. Even at 1am. And, oh yeah, love super hot, super humid weather. Including ridiculous spontaneous downpours. Oh and large crowds. From everywhere. Huge amounts of people. And humidity. And bugs. And people. And lines. Ugh. That’s so retarded. No thanks.”

See? It’s just a word, suggesting that someone is “whack” or “illin'”. I swear!

I would never nor would it occur to me to talk about your child, ever in a disrespectful way.

Unless he’s wearing a Yankees cap, then I gotta say “Dude, that’s wicked retarded. Take that off.”

Unrelated: So if tomorrow is America’s birthday…who are the parents? Who birthed us? I guess you could say England and France? I guess. I’m talking after Columbus. So who is the mum and who is the dad? England must be mum right? I bet she has nice hats.

The things I think about,